As I am sitting here and writing my testimony, I'm not exactly sure where to begin... We lived in Macon, Ga for most of my life. I remember moving around a lot after my brother died. The year that he would have turned 18, my mom got a settlement so she bought a house in Byron, Ga and this is where my story begins. We found a church that we could go to that was close to the house, my parents didn't attend, so we rode the church bus. Personally, I went to church to escape from the house.
In seventh grade my life changed so much. I began dealing with people bullying me about my shape and my weight that turned into me dealing with severe depression and suicidal ideations. The first time I started cutting myself was at school during break. I was sitting by myself and I picked up a rock and cut myself with it. It helped release all the pain I was holding onto. My mom found out what I had done and she put me in counseling. At this point things were getting worse, because I started binge eating and throwing up, due to me wanting to lose weight. I wish I could say church was a better experience for me, but it was not. I used to sit all the way in the back because church was just as bad as school and home.
One day at church, minding my own business, a lady I knew came to the back and sat with me. By her doing this, it was the first real love of God I had seen. At first I was mad that she came to sit with me because I wanted to be alone. During this time, we became very close.
The bullying in high school got to the point where I had to be removed and put somewhere else. My life lay dormant, for the most part, until I was about 18. My mom, her boyfriend and I got into a bad fight and I was told that if I left the house that I could not come back. I didn’t have a problem with that since we lived next to a railroad. I had planned to just take my life that night because I didn't know what else to do. BUT GOD! I got a call from that special church lady that changed my plans. She took me in as one of her own. Soon after, the Billy Graham My Hope DVD came out. That was one of the first times I've heard God say, “This is for you”, so I rededicated my life to Him that day (or so I thought).
In 2016, I overdosed for the first time in my life. I ended up losing the job I really wanted. I was hospitalized 6 times in 6 months. I was trying to kill myself every time I turned around. If I was not trying to commit suicide, I was cutting up my arms very badly. BUT! Guess who God put there to stop me every time I tried to overdose? The very special lady from church, who had shown me His love ever since I first met her.
In 2017 I started a relationship with a guy from my past, we married in 2018. Our life together lay dormant again until the week of Jan. 30, 2020 when we decided to separate. On that day, my depression was so strong that I took 365 Benadryl at 25 mg a piece, 9,125 mg. The only reason that anyone knew was because I sent a suicide letter. I was taken by ambulance to the ER and by the time that I arrived I was unconscious. I don't remember much except this was the first time that I heard God's voice. I was floating above my body and I was watching the doctor work on me. I remember going to heaven and having a conversation with Him that went like this:
GOD: I'm going to put you back now.
ME: NO!!! I don't want to go back.
GOD: I'm not done with you yet.
ME: What is there on earth for me?
Then I remember waking up and being in the hospital. For the next year I was in and out of hospitals for attempting or thinking about suicide.
In June, or July, of 2020 I figured out that my husband was a very big trigger for me. So I told him that we needed space, but that didn't go well so we got a divorce.
In 2021, I was hospitalized several more times. I was able to stay out of the hospital from April to October. I began going to Celebrate Recovery with my sister. I kept kind of in the background because I refused to get close to people not wanting them to leave me again. However, God had so many other plans in the works. In August, I met a really great group of ladies and even met my best friend. I then turned my life over to God and was baptized! I was doing so well and was going several different places, but I was still struggling with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, thoughts of self-harm and self-hatred.
For the longest time in my life, I have never felt like I was heard or anyone really cared what I had to say, so I didn't really talk much even at this point in my life. On Friday, October 1, 2021, I started telling God that I was ready for His healing. I need it. The very next day I had a panic attack and the enemy was telling me how worthless that I was and that I would never be healed. I started having self-harm and suicidal thoughts and that weekend was packed with so many events. On Monday, October 4, 2021, this is when I believe God really started to work wonders. We were at a Bible study and the ladies from Living Waters Ministry were praying over me and a lady named Liz started singing, “open the eyes of my heart”. As she was singing I felt like something just fell off my eyes. Before, when I closed my eyes, all that I ever saw was total darkness and after that experience when I closed my eyes I could see a little bit of light.
The next day, I was hospitalized again, spending about 6 days there. The following week was spent really just trying to catch up from being gone. The next weekend is when so many things began to happen...Most people know that I “was' ' one of the most anxious and anxiety ridden individuals. I would panic in a car, just going down the street. I have dealt with depression, oppression, suicidal thoughts, multiple suicidal attempts, I haven’t really felt loved, I felt ignored, I have been damaged, I’ve been hurt by so many people because I was so torn and broken. I have been diagnosed with so many different mental health problems including depression, anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bi-Polar 1 with Psychotic episodes and several others. I never felt like I mattered. I never felt loved. I never felt like I was worthy enough for someone to love me. I didn't feel like anyone loved me. I've done the church thing a lot of my life. I've been through deliverances and everything. I was so angry with God in 2020 for not taking me home. I ran off all the people that were in my life at the time.
All of this lead up to the weekend of October 15, 2021. Friday night a group of us went to Revive Fellowship Ministries to see the event speakers from Spirit Family International Ministries. God really showed up and worked through them and we wanted to go back the next day! We went back and we showed up early. But before we went I asked God to call me by my name and tell me that my healing was coming! One of the young men from the ministry was praying and he wanted everyone to lift their hands. I lifted mine and the guy was praying about breaking evil foundations. I'm not exactly sure what he said, but he said it twice and it sounded like he said my name. I started shaking, unsure of what was going on, the guy that was praying walked over and said, “something is trying to attach back to your hands and I see an angel behind you”. He told whatever it was to release and I fell back into my seat. When we left the church that day I felt different in a good way but it's not even the best part.
We were originally supposed to go to the David Hernandez conference that evening. So once we were done at Revive Fellowship Ministries one of the ladies was saying that we could still make it to Atlanta. I was not sure that I wanted to go because I didn't really want to ride all the way to Atlanta with my anxiety. Y'all all the way up there I didn't panic once! We were sitting in the conference and David Hernadez started praying for healing, but he stopped and said, “there is a woman here dealing with the thoughts of killing yourself. I know you're here, the Holy Spirit wouldn't lie to me. The Holy Spirit said it's time to be healed!” This is the day God healed me!
I went back and watched the testimony portion of that night. I had gone up on stage to give my testimony on how God had healed me that night. David listened to my testimony and then he began to pray over me. He said that the Holy Spirit was telling me to write that book and open my mouth! Guys, that is so important because that weekend I asked God to call me by name, I ask God to reveal my spiritual gift, and to tell me what I'm here for. He did all of these things in one day! The following day God confirmed everything that happened to me with the service on Sunday at my church. God has continued to confirm all that He has done! I've always said my life verse is Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and future". I can truly say that I am a new person because of the wonderful things that God has done in my life: salvation, true friends, mental healing, purpose, soul healing, and a new outlook on life.
If you are reading this and you too are suffering like I have I would like to take this time to tell you that YOU ARE LOVED! YOU ARE WORTHY OF LIVING AN ABUNDANT LIFE OF JOY! It starts accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. Surrender all your hurts, habits and hang-ups to Him today and in exchange He will give you freedom like you have never experienced before.
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